People pleasing

I wanted to add another New Year's "goal" to the list....and this one is so deeply ingrained in me, that it's going to be hard to work on. This has been something that I have struggled with for years...in fact, I think this is going to not only be a New Year's goal, but a life goal as well.

I am EXHAUSTED with trying to meet other people's expectations, with caring what they think, or generally trying to make others happy 24/7. I don't want to sound selfish. But I think for so long, I have put others' needs and the happiness of others above my own, that maybe I was starting to forget about what MY OWN happiness looks like.

This sentiment of working on my people pleasing is not entirely new, but was definitely brought to my attention tonight by a particularly mean and nasty argument that I got in with somebody who disagrees with my engagement (this person and their relationship to me will remain anonymous to protect privacy!). Instead of a genuine congratulations, I got a "you haven't been dating for even six months!" and "you're rebounding and just desperately want to get married that you don't care to who." Ouch. I was on the verge of telling this person a piece of my mind, and how they would not be welcome at my wedding, but fortunately, Matt stopped me, reminding me that this was a battle I wasn't going to win, and I need to be the bigger person and just let it go. But it's hard to let things like that go.

I've been trying REALLY hard lately, especially since I've recently gotten engaged, to let snarky comments (usually by well meaning family and friends) such as "wow...don't ya think that's kinda fast?" or "already?" or "you're an idiot" roll off my back, but it's been hard. I want for everybody to share in my ecstatic happiness. I want for everybody to realize that I literally glow in a way that I never have before (you can actually see this in pictures with Matt). I've found something that I've never had with another person before. I've been in relationships before, sure, but not with the right person. I have found something far greater than I could ever have imagined for myself.

I'm tired of being judged by the past. Yes, I WAS engaged before. Yes, it ended fairly recently. That previous engagement was a mistake, as I KNEW in my heart of hearts that he was NOT the one for me. Should that engagement have gotten as far as it did? No, in fact, the relationship should have ended a long time before it did. But, it didn't, and I did learn valuable lessons from it. Namely, what I want, and what I'm worth as a person, and as a woman. However, just because I feel I more or less jumped into a previous engagement after 2.5 years with somebody, does not mean that I lack insight or judgment to identify the right person for me.

Yes, I was on match.com.  Yes, this was shortly after breaking off my previous engagement. Yes, I was hoping that I would at least get some dates out of it, and maybe, JUST maybe...EVENTUALLY find "the One." I know that online dating has worked for several of my friends. Did I expect for love to find me again so soon? Absolutely not. Am I glad that it did? You bet your sweet ass I am!  Was I completely surprised and floored when he asked me to marry him? You bet! I honestly thought it would be another few months at least before we had that conversation! However, when he asked, I didn't have a moment of doubt or hesitation. I KNEW that he was the one who was meant for me. With that being said, I don't feel I need to apologize or explain myself or my relationship with anybody, and I'm tired of doing so. Those of you who understand and are TRULY happy for me...thank you. I know that I have found something special, and almost magical with Matt. I've never felt so close to another human being the way I feel with him. He has truly become my best friend, and he is my soul mate and the love of my life. I'm a firm believer that when you "just know"....you JUST KNOW. Whether that be days, weeks, months, or years. I have found somebody who loves me completely and unconditionally JUST as I am, somebody who would bend over backwards for me, is always showing me he loves me by his selfless act...and I could really go on and on, but you get the picture.


And to those who don't, or who question my judgment...well, it's too bad. Because I've just decided to STOP caring what others think. I need to nurture my own happiness, even if others don't like my choices. Because really, what matters in my engagement is that Matt and I are ridiculously happy, both of us are happier than we've been in years. We light each other up. It's just too bad that there are those who can't, or, because of their small minds, or judgmental attitude, refuse to see that.